


hey, i wanna get better

by Somebodys_Hermione



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, and a lot of hurting, but there is comfort, i dont know if this would be considered hurt/comfort, post ep 93, references to bad childhoods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:01:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24439378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somebodys_Hermione/pseuds/Somebodys_Hermione
Summary: Yasha finally gets the chance to talk to Beau after the HagWritten for Beauyasha Week 2020, prompt: "Healing"
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Comments: 4
Kudos: 98





	hey, i wanna get better

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the bleachers song of the same name

They hadn’t really talked about it since it happened. They got out of the woods that had the witch, and then they got out of Kamordah, and no one had really asked Beau why she did it. Well, almost did it (she still couldn’t quite believe she hadn’t done it. Like there was a small part of her that had actually left). There’d been some more generic conversations about how every member of the Nein was important, some reiterating how important Beau was to the group (which she had appreciated) but no one had really asked her  _ why _ . Which was a good thing, because she still didn’t have an answer. 

The Nein had gotten to some town, and were sitting in some tavern, en route to something that Beau hadn’t really heard, so she had simply peeled off to one of the dingy corners to wallow for a moment. But then Yasha came over. 

Yasha, who’d been mind-controlled at least twice, who’d been kidnapped and tortured and had lost so many people, but somehow still managed to look at Beau with such  _ kindness _ . Even when Beau could see the darkness behind the other woman’s eyes. Even when Beau really didn’t deserve kindness after all the shit she’d pulled. 

They just kind of sat there for a while. Beau was purposefully avoiding eye contact, and she was pretty sure Yasha was too. There were a couple of moments where it sounded like Yasha was gonna start speaking, but then seemed to think better of it. But just as Beau was planning on getting up to go to bed, Yasha finally managed to get a sentence out. 

“Why would you offer to do that Beauregard? To leave us? Why would you want to do that?” There seemed to be genuine curiosity in her voice, laced with concern and several other emotions Beau didn’t recognize. Beau really didn’t know how to respond to that, but she suddenly seemed unable to move. 

“You weren’t supposed to want to do it, Yasha, that was like the whole fucking point” and Beau tried, she  _ really tried,  _ to keep the sardonic tone from her voice, because Yasha definitely didn’t fucking deserve that, but it came through anyway. And Yasha? Yasha’s still there, wearing a patiently concerned expression, and speaking with such affection that all Beau can think for the thirtieth time is that she really doesn’t deserve these people. 

“You-you said something about having peaked? Beau...do you really believe that? Do you really think that is going to get worse from here?” and Beau wanted to scream, because  _ yes.  _ Yes, this was the best things were gonna get, because for some reason everyone else hadn’t noticed that she was a shitty person who ruined everything and was supposed to end up alone. She didn’t scream, but when she tried to talk the words barely came out, like they were sticking in her lungs. 

“We don’t need to fucking talk about it, its fine” and Beau was spitting out the words. She just wanted to be left alone. Unfortunately (or fortunately, really the most fucking fortunate Beau had ever been in her entire goddamn life, depending on how you looked at it), Yasha didn’t leave her alone. 

“I, I just wanted to let you know that you  _ can _ talk to me, if you need to, Beau. I know seeing your father-”

“It doesn’t always have to be about him.” Beau hadn’t meant to interrupt Yasha, but suddenly she could feel tears in her eyes and her throat closing up, and she hated it. “I-it, it shouldn’t  _ always  _ be about him.”

Yasha, to her credit, didn’t say anything, and simply nodded. But suddenly Beau was talking, more than she ever meant to. 

“I think... if I were a better person, I might just feel bad for him. Ya know, it is pretty pathetic to be so terrified that you’re gonna lose everything you built all the time that you can’t even find the space to love your only kid. You must feel so trapped, to be  _ that  _ angry all the time. But the good thing is that I’m actually a very shitty person who’s gonna hate him until the day he dies no matter what he does.”

“I do not think you are a shitty person.” Beau snorted. 

“Yeah, well, I am, but I appreciate you saying that.”

“Of course, Beauregard,” and the softness in her voice reminded Beau all over again that she was talking to one of the sweetest people alive, even if most people didn't take the time to find that out about Yasha. Beau briefly considered that she didn’t think she’d be talking to anyone else this much before more words came spilling out. There was just something about Yasha. There had always been something about Yasha. 

“You know, one of the first fucking lessons they teach you in monk school? Letting go of anger, moving on, forgiveness, shit like that. I’ve never done anything else in my life besides hold onto anger. What does that make me?” She was barely able to keep herself from actively crying, but that didn’t stop her face from getting tear-streaked, and she hated it. She hated all of this. 

She hated everything except Yasha’s presence, which felt real and calming in a way she couldn’t really explain. The barbarian looked like she was contemplating something and when Yasha finally started speaking, it sounded tentative, like she wasn’t quite sure what order to put the words in. 

“I think...healing might have a lot less to do with forgiving other people, and a lot more to do with forgiving yourself” Beau could see Yasha fidgeting with some of the beads on her tunic, and she thought she might get it. For half a heartbeat, Beau thought she might understand how to actually be happy. 

“How do you do that, Yasha?” She could feel herself smiling, and even though it was weak, it wasn’t forced which felt nice. It was even enough to look up and meet the other woman’s eyes.

“I have absolutely no idea, Beau” but Yasha was laughing, in the kind of way that acknowledged just how weird and broken their lives were. 

Beau thought she might be even more surprised than Yasha was, when she reached across the table to grab Yasha’s hand. 

**Author's Note:**

> special thanks to TheWisdomQueen for beta-ing what is essentially 1000 works of me projecting onto fictional characters  
> you can find me on tumblr @somebodyshermione if you would like


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